1
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,072
(Knock at the door)

2
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,111
Come.

3
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,390
Tom, what book did you want me to get you?

4
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,795
Just a tick, Jerry. I'm doing my income tax
return.

5
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,155
- You haven't got any income.
- Exactly.

6
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,713
No. No.

7
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,594
No. No. Mind your own business.

8
00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,672
No. No. Not applicable.

9
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,878
Nil.

10
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,711
Signed, Tom Good.

11
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,036
- Right.
- It takes me a whole week to do mine.

12
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,071
That's because you're illiterate.

13
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,589
- Right, now, what can I do for you?
- I'm doing something for you.

14
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,995
What library book did you want me to pick up?

15
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:23,079
Ah, yes, The Morphology, Pathology
And Gynaecology Of The Domesticated Pig.

16
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,997
Sounds like a good read.

17
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,031
I've got a very pregnant pig in that garden,

18
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,469
and when she starts popping,
I want to know what to do.

19
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,150
- I thought there were people called vets.
- There are, but they present bills.

20
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,431
- Hello, Jerry.
- Morning, Barbara.

21
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,471
We were just discussing the mother to be.

22
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,433
I suppose you'll be knitting bootees
for the piglets.

23
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,916
How did you know pigs had to have their feet
kept warm in the first few days?

24
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,314
What?

25
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:50,877
Yes. Many a true word spoken in jest.
It is a fact, actually.

26
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,911
- You're kidding.
- No, no.

27
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,031
Of course, it doesn't always have to be wool.

28
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,152
In the olden days,
they wrapped their trotters in rabbit skins.

29
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,433
Did they? Really? I'm astonished.

30
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,198
You're gullible as well.

31
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,753
(Both laugh)

32
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,871
That's a cheap victory.

33
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,480
Anything's a cheap victory
before nine in my book.

34
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,830
- You'll still get the book, won't you?
- I might.

35
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,837
Now, push off.
We've got seeds to get in.

36
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,871
- Radishes, please.
- Radishes.

37
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,558
And wallpaper paste.

38
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,600
- What on earth are you doing?
- Mixing germinated seeds with wallpaper paste.

39
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,631
(Sniggers)

40
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,069
Oh, no, no. They separate out quite naturally.

41
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,236
You squeeze the mixture into the drills.

42
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,840
- With this.
- Yeah.

43
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,440
You miss out a process
because no thinning out is needed.

44
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,757
- Efficiency is the name of the game.
- Watch us plant them if you like.

45
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,395
London Bridge in the morning rush hour
suddenly seems terribly attractive.

46
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,752
- Happy carbon monoxide poisoning.
- Thanks. Happy swine fever.

47
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,553
Yeuch!

48
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,198
- Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!
- What?

49
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:26,633
- Which way is Mecca, then?
- Easterly, I suppose. Why?

50
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,638
Well, you and your prayer mat, you know...

51
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,073
(Tom chuckles)

52
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,991
Oh, I see. One of your jokes.

53
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,031
Very good. Ha ha ha.

54
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,716
- Come along, Tom. Stop annoying Margo.
- Thank you, Barbara.

55
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:48,393
- Right, two rows of radishes.
- Yes, two rows of radishes.

56
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,909
- Can I have first squirt?
- No.

57
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,270
- Why not?
- Because you are useless at it.

58
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,631
I remember when you iced my birthday cake,
"Happy birthday".

59
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,671
It came out as "Hoppy bithdog".

60
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,792
- It was good cake, though.
- Yes, I know it was. I made it.

61
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,591
Come along, now.

62
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,519
Yeah, well, I suppose that's reasonably straight.

63
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:11,910
Jealous.

64
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,234
(Coughs)

65
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,431
- Did you cough, Margo?
- Yes.

66
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,678
I know I'm going to regret asking this,
but what are you doing?

67
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,791
Icing the garden.

68
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:39,834
I'll ask Barbara.
What are you doing, Barbara?

69
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,871
Planting radishes.

70
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,637
Thank you very much.

71
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,354
- I'll go back to my marigolds.
- No, no, Margo!

72
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:53,316
Seriously, Margo, we've worked out this
wonderfully efficient way of planting seeds.

73
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,431
Are you sure you've got the right word?

74
00:04:55,480 --> 00:05:00,190
Look, Margo, you may not have noticed it,
but our whole lifestyle is geared to efficiency.

75
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,551
Nonsense! You don't even have a television set.

76
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,511
What's that got to do with efficiency?

77
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,351
Very well, transport.
You haven't got any transport.

78
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,630
Don't have any... What do you call that?

79
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,676
- Junk.
- Junk?

80
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,509
Let me tell you, Margo, that trolley
will still be going when your car is up for scrap.

81
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,154
Yes. Right, look at this. Look at this.

82
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,953
Wonderful. Built to last, that is.

83
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,239
Oh.

84
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:34,910
Oh.

85
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,396
I won't crow, because it's not in my nature.

86
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,551
Uh-huh... Not long now.

87
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,479
- What?
- Pinky. I think she'll go into labour soon.

88
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:02,229
- Really? Are you sure?
- All the signs are right according to this.

89
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,430
She keeps rolling her eyes and going, "Blimey!"

90
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:08,360
I'd roll my eyes and go, "Blimey!"
if I was going to have seven or eight kids.

91
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,119
- Hope there aren't any complications.
- So do I.

92
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,039
I've never been a midwife before.
Where have you been?

93
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,039
Oh, nowhere in particular.
I've just solved our transport problem.

94
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,878
Oh, have you?

95
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:21,471
How?

96
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,591
Come and see.

97
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,276
Tan-ta-da!

98
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,790
Oh, my God!

99
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,117
What do you think, Tom? Eh, Tom?
Eh, Tom? What do you think?

100
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,511
It's a horse.

101
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,551
It's like quicksilver, your mind.

102
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,591
Yes, of course. It's a horse.

103
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,511
- We can't afford a horse.
- It's a gift.

104
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,120
It's the gift horse
that you don't look in the mouth.

105
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,278
- People do not go around giving away horses.
- Oh, they do, they do!

106
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,312
Mr Betts the coalman offered him to me free.

107
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,831
- Why?
- Why?

108
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,871
Why?

109
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,636
Why? Well, because we just got talking.

110
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,671
You know, the way you do,

111
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,429
and Mr Betts has always been interested
in what we're trying to do

112
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,120
and Mr Betts has always been rather interested
in my hips

113
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:24,998
sol did a bit of um... leaning and things,
and er... he said I could have the horse.

114
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,476
And when do you spend the weekend with him
at his chateau in Littlehampton?

115
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,672
It's a bungalow, and we haven't fixed a date yet.

116
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:36,832
The thing is, Tom, you see, the horse
is getting a bit long in the tooth anyway,

117
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,349
and Mr Betts is going to get a lorry
for his coal run.

118
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,553
Now, until I came along, with my hips, of course,
he was going to retire the horse,

119
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,194
but the thing is he says it would be ideal for us.

120
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,949
It would be light work and he knows
we'd look after him properly, so there you are.

121
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,551
Transport problem solved.

122
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,191
- What about fuel?
- Horses don't drink petrol.

123
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,716
I know that, but they eat hay, lots of it.

124
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,751
Well, that's easy. Hay's common.

125
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,395
I mean, it isn't as if you have to import
bamboo shoots to keep a panda going.

126
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,558
- I've seen hay in pet shops.
- So have I, at 30p a handful.

127
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,389
We're talking about half a tonne of horse.
And what about stabling?

128
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,000
That's no problem.
He can have his own room in the garage.

129
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:21,113
- Yeah, with his own bed and dressing table.
- Now, there's no need to be silly.

130
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,312
I'm sorry, love, you're the one that's being silly.

131
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,351
It's just not practical, is it?

132
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,000
Mr Betts says Brian's got a lovely nature.

133
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,829
Oh, God, Brian! The horse's name is Brian.

134
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,157
Yes. Oh, come
and have another look at him, Tom. He's lovely.

135
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,990
He might be able to knit and do conjuring tricks,
but he's not a practical proposition.

136
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,714
I don't want him as a pet. I'm not an idiot!

137
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:48,433
He'dbe a... He'd be a working horse!

138
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,871
That is the point. There's not enough work
for him to do to warrant his keep.

139
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,799
It's a nice idea, but it's just not efficient, is it?

140
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,951
Is it?

141
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,751
Don't know.

142
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,791
Is it?

143
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,631
- Sit?
- No!

144
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,593
- Now, you know I'm right, don't you, love?
- Yes, I do, so shut up.

145
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,119
(Doorbell rings)

146
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:14,073
- Doorbell.
- It must be if you say it is.

147
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,111
You're the one that's always right.

148
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,154
- Hello, Tom. Is Barbara in here?
- Hello, Margo.

149
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,589
I see you brought the horse home, Barbara.

150
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,832
- Yes.
- In that case, surprise!

151
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,071
Oh. It's too large.

152
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:45,637
Never mind. We can always pad the rim
with the Telegraph colour supplement.

153
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:49,594
- What is it, a miner's helmet?
- You know perfectly well what it is, Tom.

154
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,916
It is my second-best riding hat.

155
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,796
Now, Barbara, I shall be proposing you
and Mrs Dooms-Paterson will be seconding you.

156
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,759
- What for?
- The pony club.

157
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,430
Margo, I've already told you, it's a working
horse!

158
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,997
I know, but after it's done all the silly things
you want it for during the day,

159
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:14,035
what could be nicer than an evening hack along
the banks of the Thames with the pony club?

160
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,277
- Almost anything, I should think.
- Implying what, Tom?

161
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,311
Well, what a mob! (Laughs)

162
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,240
They look like the French heavy cavalry
at Agincourt. (Laughs)

163
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,516
- Thank you very much.
- You'd never stop that lot with bows and arrows.

164
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,790
- Now, look, Tom...
- There's no point in going on.

165
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,751
We aren't keeping the horse anyway.

166
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,110
- Why ever not?
- Because as Tom pointed out...

167
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:38,393
Stop there, Barbara. I see the whole picture.

168
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,796
You wanted the horse, but the man said no,
and that's that.

169
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,514
The head of the house forbade you,
and that's that.

170
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,916
The Victorian patriarch disapproved,
and that's that.

171
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,951
It's all too familiar.

172
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,879
- Who are all these blokes?
- You are.

173
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:58,680
Margo, we've been friends for years,
and sometimes I don't think you know us at all.

174
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,711
Or perhaps I know you too well.

175
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,751
Rubbish.

176
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,836
We all know that Tom's stupid,
but he's not a tyrant.

177
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,871
Right.

178
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,911
Then why is his word always law?

179
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,395
It isn't. It's just that he's right
about this horse.

180
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,670
Very well, dear.

181
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:21,636
If that's the illusion you choose to cling on to,
I'll just take my hat and not say another word.

182
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,792
I will say this, Tom.

183
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,832
The day of the woman is coming.

184
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,712
With the pony club cavalry on their side,
they can't lose.

185
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,474
You... You bully!

186
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,840
Charge!

187
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,151
Good old Margo.

188
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,191
She just doesn't understand, does she?

189
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,153
She can't see
that you are capable of being totally unfeminine.

190
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,791
Thanks.

191
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,876
Ah... No, no. I didn't mean unfeminine.

192
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,833
I mean you're very feminine, Barbara.
You're ever so sexy.

193
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,269
There you are. You see, you can do it! Phvvor!

194
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,271
(Doorbell rings constantly)

195
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,834
MARGO: Who is it, Jerry? Who is it?

196
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,551
How the hell should I know?

197
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,876
Put the chain on before you open the door.

198
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,911
Shut up.

199
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,759
Sorry, Jerry, but the pig's in labour.

200
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,553
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Hand out cigars?

201
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,031
We can't get a light up to the sty

202
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,391
and we wondered if we could borrow your light,
the one with the long lead.

203
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,114
Yeah, all right. Go on.
Ever thought of moving?

204
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,591
New Zealand's a nice long way away.

205
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,157
(Pinky grunts and squeals)

206
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:58,072
TOM: Go on, girl. Go on. Good girl.
Go on. Go on. Go on. Good girl.

207
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,111
Good girl!

208
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,471
- Five.
- Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvellous, Jerry?

209
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,558
I've always wanted to stand in a pigsty
in the middle of the night.

210
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,314
Will you hold that light steady?

211
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,749
I'm just trying to see what I'm standing in.

212
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,636
How can that matter at a time like this?

213
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:21,197
Oh, no. They're just an old pair of
very expensive slippers. That's all.

214
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,914
- Let me see, Tom. Is she all right?
- Yeah, fine. No problem.

215
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,759
Go on, girl. Go on. Good girl.
There's a good girl!

216
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,155
- Six.
- Six!

217
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,513
- Six so far, Margo!
- Congratulations.

218
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,029
Don't you ever tell me to shut up again, Jerry.

219
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,675
Well, I haven't got X-ray eyes, have 1?
I can't see through a door.

220
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,279
Hold the light still.

221
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,359
Don't go out in the night and leave the door
open. Anything could have happened.

222
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,119
- Yes, you could have got up and shut it.
- Oh, yes!

223
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,710
And found myself struggling with some
lecherous minicab driver?

224
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,274
Look, you'll be struggling with me
if you don't shut up.

225
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,278
- The main event is going on here.
- There's another one on the way.

226
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,632
- Come and look, Margo. It's beautiful.
- Certainly not. That sort of thing makes me faint.

227
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,149
Well, don't faint in here for God's sake.

228
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,116
- Good girl! Yes, go on. Go on. Seven.
- Seven!

229
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,197
Look, surely seven is enough.

230
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,835
Yes, you're quite right, Margo.

231
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,440
Pinky, Margo says seven's enough.

232
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,231
Let me see, Tom. Let me see.

233
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,159
- Oh, look. They're feeding.
- Yeah. Yeah.

234
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,191
Hold on. One's come unplugged.

235
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,359
(Piglet squeals)

236
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:36,758
It's marvellous, isn't it?
I read 250 pages on piggery midwifery.

237
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,314
Old Pinky can't read a word.
She just gets on with it.

238
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,920
I could never have imagined this a year ago.

239
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,793
No. Last year,
all we were breeding was discontent.

240
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,229
If you've stopped eulogising,
I'd like to go to bed.

241
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,749
Oh, yeah. Right, Jerry. Thanks a lot.
Hold on! Hold on!

242
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,792
Sorry, Margo, Pinky's disobeying you.
She's having another one.

243
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,831
This is rapidly becoming disgusting.

244
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,871
Goon! Goon! That's it.

245
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,389
Yes, goon. That's it. That's right. Good...

246
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,271
Oh, dear.

247
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,311
What? What? Let me see? What?

248
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:11,714
- Oh, no... Oh, that's not right.
- What isn't?

249
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,070
That little one, that last one. It's hardly moving.

250
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,634
- It's just lying there.
- I'm afraid it's a runt.

251
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,911
How very Anglo-Saxon.

252
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,797
Quiet, Jerry. Well, do something.

253
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,354
- Tom...
- Well, what do you want me to do?

254
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,391
Inflate it with a bicycle pump?

255
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,717
I know it's rotten, but this sort of thing happens.
It says so in the book.

256
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:35,719
You sometimes get a runt in the litter.
It's weak and excess, I'm afraid.

257
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,878
- What are you going to do about it?
- Nothing. You just let them die.

258
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,275
- You just let them die?!
- You can't do that!

259
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,880
- That's a bit clinical, isn't it?
- It's common sense.

260
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,551
- Tom!
- Now, Barbara, listen...

261
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,513
Barbara, it is common sense.
This is our livelihood.

262
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,554
It may not be a palatable fact,
but it's not worth fighting to keep it alive.

263
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,433
- It's not efficient.
- Damn your efficiency!

264
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,596
- It's not my efficiency.
- Yes, it is!

265
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,631
If you're turning into the kind of person

266
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,038
who'll let a little creature like that die just
because it's efficient, then you can stuff it!

267
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,119
- At last. The worm turns.
- Be quiet, Margo!

268
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,878
Yes.

269
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,753
- Can I use your phone?
- Certainly, Barbara. Yes.

270
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,439
Well, I... You can see I'm right, surely?

271
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:21,590
I am right!

272
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,631
(Pinky squeals)

273
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,517
- Who were you phoning?
- The vet.

274
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,235
He's on a call. Won't get here for two hours.
That's going to be too late, isn't it?

275
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,398
- What about the RSPCA or the Blue Cross?
- Same problem.

276
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:40,354
Right, we're going to need milk, brandy,
something warm to wrap him in.

277
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,710
- Oh, Tom!
- And something to help its breathing.

278
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,469
Oxygen. Where do you get oxygen?
The hospital. It's worth a go. Try the hospital.

279
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,160
Right. Right. Jerry, come along.
- Why me?

280
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,191
- You've got the car.
- So I have.

281
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,351
Margo, don't just stand there!

282
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,677
- Something warm, milk and brandy!
- Yes.

283
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,711
Oil

284
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:15,715
- Tom...
- What?

285
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,354
Remy Martin or Hine VSOP?

286
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,071
Sorry!

287
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,595
- Do you know what speed you were doing, sir?
- Yes, 60mph.

288
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,632
- And what is the speed limit in this area, sir?
- 30.

289
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:20,038
- So, you admit you were speeding?
- What a brilliant deduction.

290
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,199
- Can I see your driving licence please, sir?
- Look, please...

291
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,550
- Just one moment, miss.
- Mrs, actually.

292
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:30,195
- Your wife, sir?
- No, somebody else's.

293
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,951
Oh.

294
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,914
60mph with somebody else's wife at 3am
and in your pyjamas.

295
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,951
Doesn't look too rosy, does it, sir?

296
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,072
- Oh, please, we're in ever such a hurry.
- I dare say you are, miss.

297
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,839
Get on with it, will you?
If you're going to book me, book me.

298
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,440
- If not, get out of my way.
- Right.

299
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,756
This goes down in the big book, this does.

300
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,794
Oh, look, Constable, we're in ever such a hurry.
We've got to get to the hospital.

301
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,831
- Hospital?
- Yes.

302
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:00,077
I know it sounds unlikely,
but our pig's just had a litter

303
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:04,398
and there's this tiny runt, and if we don't get
any oxygen for him, he's going to die.

304
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,195
Little piglet, is it?
Why didn't you tell me this before?

305
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:13,155
Well, if I'd started bandying words like pig about
in front of a constable...

306
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,952
I see what you mean. Right, come with me.

307
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,355
- Where to?
- The hospital, of course.

308
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,119
I'll go ahead, clear the way.
You put your foot down.

309
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,834
Always wanted to do a mercy dash.
Never done one before.

310
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,876
- Here we are, Tom.
- You've been long enough.

311
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:56,437
- Well, I had to change.
- This is an emergency, not a social function.

312
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,757
It is also The Avenue, Tom,
and curtains have begun to twitch.

313
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,311
Here you are alone in the house.

314
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,159
If I'd been seen coming in your back door
in my night things...

315
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,080
Oh, yes, and Jerry driving off with Barbara
in his pyjamas is wife swapping, isn't it?

316
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:14,478
Exactly. It hasn't reached Surbiton yet,
but it's already got as far as Epsom.

317
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,434
- You make it sound like the Black Death.
- You don't condone it, surely?

318
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,074
- Oh, don't be daft! Now, watch the milk.
- Yes.

319
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,232
- Oh, you wanted something warm for the pig.
- Oh, ta.

320
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,319
- Margo, this is cashmere. It's nearly new.
- It's all right. It's Jerry's.

321
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,311
Yeah, I suppose that would make it all right.

322
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,273
- How is it?
- Well, it's still breathing, just about.

323
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,631
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
Still, press on. Ah, lovely.

324
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,876
That's fine. Now, put some brandy in it.

325
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,350
What proportions?

326
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,199
It's not a cocktail party.
Use your common sense.

327
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,196
Here, here, here.
When you mix it up, get it down that pig.

328
00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,878
- Me?!
- Yes, you.

329
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:03,754
- Can't you do it?
- No, I can't. I'm making an oxygen tent.

330
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,869
No, I'm sorry, Tom. Sickness makes me feel ill.

331
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:13,629
Now, look, it's not what you feel.
It's what he feels, so get on with it.

332
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:14,829
- But...
- Do it!

333
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,711
Yes, Tom.

334
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,549
- Ah...
- Got it!

335
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,591
Got it? Good girl!

336
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,631
Oh, Margo...

337
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,753
A tip for the future, Barbara, always feed a piglet
from the corner of his mouth.

338
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,791
Thank you, Margo.

339
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,514
- How is the little mite?
- Fighting, fighting.

340
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,111
- Can I er...
- Yes, of course.

341
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,351
Poor little mite...

342
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,591
(Mouths)

343
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,952
Oh! This is Police Constable Hillman.
He's been marvellous.

344
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,753
- We'd never have got the oxygen without him.
- Tick. VG.

345
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,598
- What?
- Thanks.

346
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,869
A pleasure to help.

347
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:14,198
It's refreshing to see you do not devote
all your energies to moving people on

348
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,358
when they park outside the public library
for a couple of minutes.

349
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:22,349
You would be this gentleman's wife, would you?

350
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,870
- Yes. How did you know?
- It just fits, that's all.

351
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,755
- Look here, Kojak...
- Belt up! Let's get on with it.

352
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,029
- Oxygen tent?
- Yeah. I'll show you. Look.

353
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,071
Now, hold that.

354
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,511
Right, pig goes in here. You feed the oxygen
in through the draining holes.

355
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,076
On with the lid, and then you regulate
the atmosphere like you do with plants.

356
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:49,149
How do you feed the oxygen
into the draining holes?

357
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,191
With a bit of tubing, you see?

358
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:54,073
Which we haven't got!
Come on, think of something!

359
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,997
- Garden hose?
- Too thick. Margo?

360
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,156
- Think of something, Jerry.
- Sleep?

361
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,233
Got it How about an overflow pipe
from a car radiator?

362
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,477
- Perfect!
- Come on, then, sir. Let's get your bonnet up.

363
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,511
Why my car?

364
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,551
Why not yours?

365
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,194
It was 60mph, wasn't it, sir?

366
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,231
Yes. Yes.

367
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,637
I was going to put strychnine in your tea,
but I won't now.

368
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,069
Where did you learn to make an oxygen tent?

369
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:27,637
Oxygen tent classes.
It's all guesswork. I just hope I'm guessing right.

370
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,274
Oh, dear. It's hardly breathing at all.

371
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,311
Give it some more brandy.

372
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,838
Will it live, Tom?

373
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,109
Well, if it does,
it's going to be a chronic alcoholic.

374
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,473
Hurry up with that tube!

375
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,791
Barbara, why are you dusting?

376
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,831
Because I don't smoke.

377
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,036
You did say I could call back. Any news?

378
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,711
The vet's here. He's with him now.

379
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,991
Hello, sarge?

380
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,953
The vet's here. He's with him now. Over.

381
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,551
Yes, I will. Over and out.

382
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,271
My sarge says, "All the best."

383
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,473
- Oh, that's nice.
- Thank you.

384
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,436
Jerry...

385
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,631
Well?

386
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,551
We won.

387
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,119
- Oh, I'm so glad.
- So am I. Can we go back to bed now'?

388
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,231
Heartless!

389
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,271
Hello, sarge?

390
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,039
Teas all round in the canteen. Over.

391
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,911
Yes, I will. Over and out.

392
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,796
- My sarge says, "All the best."
- Again?

393
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:13,475
For your information, Madam,
my sarge has two spaniels and a hamster.

394
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,114
- Well, I'll be on my way.
- Before you go, thanks very much.

395
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,198
The vet said if you hadn't got that oxygen,
he wouldn't have made it.

396
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,277
Thanks, Mr Plod.

397
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,517
Corl I've never been kissed by the public before.

398
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,431
Good night, Constable.

399
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,237
- What's that supposed to mean, sir?
- Nothing. I was just being civil.

400
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:41,559
Yes, well, just you watch your step in future.
That's all.

401
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,633
And you.

402
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,631
Well, really!

403
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,398
What a night.

404
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,876
Nothing like animal husbandry
to while away the small hours.

405
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,958
- Can the piggy go back to its mum now, Tom?
- No, not yet.

406
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,597
The vet says we've got to hand-rear it
till it fills out, goes into long trousers.

407
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,918
- It's going to take a bit of our time, isn't it?
- Quite a bit.

408
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,839
- We haven't done the practical thing, have we?
- No.

409
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,871
Which is what you said when it was born.

410
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,911
- Yes.
- Sorry.

411
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:14,631
I'm not.

412
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,671
That's enough. That does it.

413
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,633
I've tolerated being woken up
in the middle of the night,

414
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,354
I've tolerated a running battle
with an idiot policeman.

415
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,553
I've even tolerated my car being wrecked
and my best jersey being used as a pig blanket,

416
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,672
but when I'm asked to witness you two
wallowing in your own treacle,

417
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,711
I draw the line.

418
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,110
I'm going to bed.

419
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,390
- Thanks, Jerry.
- Jerry, thanks.

420
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:41,149
Yes, well, I must be getting along too.
I'm so glad the pig's all right.

421
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,191
- Thanks to your help.
- Not at all.

422
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,398
Oh, I'll pop round
with the riding hat later, Barbara.

423
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,795
Why? I shan't be riding the piglet.

424
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,629
No, but you can get the horse now.

425
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,991
You won over the pig,
So now you can make Tom get you the horse.

426
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,190
I shall do no such thing!

427
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:03,837
Very well, Barbara. I suppose I must simply
accept that you are that kind of woman.

428
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,598
What kind of woman?

429
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:10,953
A woman who wants to be dominated, who
actually enjoys being ordered about by men.

430
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,991
Very well. I accept it.

431
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:18,636
Margo, I wouldn't say that you were averse
to a bit of male domination.

432
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,593
- I beg your pardon?
- I ordered you about in the kitchen.

433
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,029
- I didn't hear any complaints.
- Don't be absurd.

434
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:28,278
- In fact, your cheeks flushed quite responsively.
- They did not.

435
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,311
- You're doing it now.
- No, I'm not.

436
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,351
- You are.
- No, I'm not. It's the light.

437
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,959
Don't be silly. I'm going to bed.

438
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,551
(Chuckles)

439
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,591
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

440
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,631
Women, eh?

441
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,149
(Laughs)

442
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,271
(Chuckles)

443
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,079
Just get out into the kitchen and feed that pig.

444
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,871
- Now!
- Oh, yes, dear!

445
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,036
Of course, dear. I'll do it right away!

446
00:28:07,086 --> 00:28:11,636
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